Vinney
What does it all mean? What does any of it ever mean? I wish that I could say I have the answers, but I can’t, I can act like I have the answers, and sometimes I may actually come up with the answers. This isn’t making sense is it? By now I’m sure you are wondering where the hell this is going, what I’m getting at, what I’m bitching about. Well, I’m sure it would be much easier if I myself knew, but I don’t, so I ramble. I could ramble about music, people, problems, perfection, fun, depression, happiness, answers, confusion, god, lack-there-of, and many other things. So I can do this, what’s on my mind right now? Well, it’s easy to say a multitude of things. I am carrying on conversations, I am typing my thoughts, I am listening to music, and at the same time trying to make sure I don’t drop the ball. I want the answers. I could start at my joy, and see where that takes me.
I’m in love, pure and simple. I never thought it would happen, at least not for me, I thought something like that was for all the muscular guys that were popular. Yes, not being loved, but being in love. I never thought I had the right to feel that way for someone. I just stay and hide in my room, waiting for the dark creatures to walk away, then talk tough knowing that anyone I can lie to was never there, but don’t care anyways. I have had crushes, I don’t intend to lie, I’ve had many a crush, but never have I been in love before. Of course I would have crushes, I was a “loser” in all rights, and it’s only natural to want what one can’t have, even if you don’t want it. If that makes any kind of sense, then I’m sure you know what I mean. But I feel I have triumphed over everyone and everything, I have fallen in love, and she has fallen in love with me, and we are together, happy. But with love, with happiness, comes a sort of insecurity, loss of what strength I used to have. I mean, the one person I have, that I want more than anything, is the same person many, many other people want. People that, in my mind, are better than me, better than I could be, and better than I want to be. Yes, better than I want to be. They have six-pack abs, the short prep hair, the Abercrombie, the everything. As much as people claim to hate preps, they seem to be the kind of people everyone wants. So as much as I trust my love, I have fear, a fear that will never go away. Perhaps not so much a fear, as a jealousy, because I see her glance at them, at what they have, that is so much more than me. I wish I knew what to do about it, I wish I didn’t have this jealousy, and at the same time, I don’t know why I do have it. I hate what those people are, I hate that everyone likes them, I hate that they are everyone else. Maybe that, in itself, is a simple jealousy, it’s hard to say. It makes me feel like I’m a lot less than I really am. And I know what I’m worth, but sometimes, I just get down, and I don’t have any of the answers I want. I feel like I have nothing, when in fact, everything I want, and everything I need, is right next to me, holding my hand, or hugging me. And I don’t realize it, and I can’t do anything about my weakness. And with everything going on in my life, I shouldn’t be depressed at all. I have the greatest woman anyone could ask for by my side, accepting all my flaws, and taking me in as her lover. And how do I return the favor? I mope. Wow, what a manly man I am. I just want to be everything she wants, but were I everything she wanted, she wouldn’t be as happy with me. It’s weird, and I don’t know what to do about it. So, until I get these answers, I’ll accept that I’m not perfect, I’ll accept that a person as awesome as she is would be wanted by others, and that I trust her enough not to do anything. I owe her at least that much. I hope that someday, I will be deserving of her and her love. And I will work to that ultimate goal, no matter how long it may take, or how hard it may be, I know she’s worth that much at the very least.
I’m in love, pure and simple. I never thought it would happen, at least not for me, I thought something like that was for all the muscular guys that were popular. Yes, not being loved, but being in love. I never thought I had the right to feel that way for someone. I just stay and hide in my room, waiting for the dark creatures to walk away, then talk tough knowing that anyone I can lie to was never there, but don’t care anyways. I have had crushes, I don’t intend to lie, I’ve had many a crush, but never have I been in love before. Of course I would have crushes, I was a “loser” in all rights, and it’s only natural to want what one can’t have, even if you don’t want it. If that makes any kind of sense, then I’m sure you know what I mean. But I feel I have triumphed over everyone and everything, I have fallen in love, and she has fallen in love with me, and we are together, happy. But with love, with happiness, comes a sort of insecurity, loss of what strength I used to have. I mean, the one person I have, that I want more than anything, is the same person many, many other people want. People that, in my mind, are better than me, better than I could be, and better than I want to be. Yes, better than I want to be. They have six-pack abs, the short prep hair, the Abercrombie, the everything. As much as people claim to hate preps, they seem to be the kind of people everyone wants. So as much as I trust my love, I have fear, a fear that will never go away. Perhaps not so much a fear, as a jealousy, because I see her glance at them, at what they have, that is so much more than me. I wish I knew what to do about it, I wish I didn’t have this jealousy, and at the same time, I don’t know why I do have it. I hate what those people are, I hate that everyone likes them, I hate that they are everyone else. Maybe that, in itself, is a simple jealousy, it’s hard to say. It makes me feel like I’m a lot less than I really am. And I know what I’m worth, but sometimes, I just get down, and I don’t have any of the answers I want. I feel like I have nothing, when in fact, everything I want, and everything I need, is right next to me, holding my hand, or hugging me. And I don’t realize it, and I can’t do anything about my weakness. And with everything going on in my life, I shouldn’t be depressed at all. I have the greatest woman anyone could ask for by my side, accepting all my flaws, and taking me in as her lover. And how do I return the favor? I mope. Wow, what a manly man I am. I just want to be everything she wants, but were I everything she wanted, she wouldn’t be as happy with me. It’s weird, and I don’t know what to do about it. So, until I get these answers, I’ll accept that I’m not perfect, I’ll accept that a person as awesome as she is would be wanted by others, and that I trust her enough not to do anything. I owe her at least that much. I hope that someday, I will be deserving of her and her love. And I will work to that ultimate goal, no matter how long it may take, or how hard it may be, I know she’s worth that much at the very least.